T is for Tuesday and Tuesday is for Boobs.

I'm just gonna jump right into this.

3 weeks ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Stage 1. MRI shows none in lymph nodes. Ping pong ball sized. All that stuff. The stuff that makes it a best case shitty scenario. After a quick break down in the stock room, my wonderful boyfriend zoomed over, pulled me together, and took me to Knoxville. We spent the day with my family. Over the course of the next week, after the good MRI report, my mother decided to have a double mastectomy. Why? Because just a lumpectomy has a 12-15% relapse rate, when a mastectomy (double) has less than 5%. Also, even with good reconstruction- your tit is still gonna look funny after a lumpectomy. *shrug* Simple math.

Yesterday, my mother had both her breasts removed. She also had 5 lymph nodes (which included some sentinels) removed to double check the levels. If the cancer isn't in the nodes- no chemo. If it is- we all shave our heads. Again, simple math.

Today, my mama came home. But first, her wonderful surgeon removed her bandages. I had to leave the room, because as a woman and as her daughter- it was fucking difficult. Breasts are what defines a female as such to the public- they are what one sees to know that "Hey, she's a she" if one has short hair, no hips, hairy arms... they are part of our womanhood. To see my mother's taken from her was a jolt. It doesn't make me mad, or sad, it just makes me feel. One, it makes me feel a loss. Two, it makes me feel vulnerable. And three, it makes me feel fear. My grandmother - Nony - also had breast cancer and a double mastectomy in 1984. In 1997, she passed away. After 13 years, cancer returned- in her bones. I have experienced a dreadful deja vu the last few weeks. I remember the day my Nony called mom to tell her the cancer was back in the Summer of 1996. That was all I thought about the Wednesday she called me to tell me her news. It fucking sucks, it scares me, and a I don't like it. I also fear this is going to come around again in 30 years- on a personal level. It's not being selfish- it's an honest and serious thought.

Friday, mom goes to the plastic surgeon for her extenders to be inserted. She's doing a full reconstruction- and chose to not use the doctor in the same facility. Because she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. :) So that was an extra procedure, but she's tough. Both doctors cleared her for going under twice in one week without hesitation- it's kind of a good thing. The plastic surgeon can go in and make sure there's no infection, and check how everything is going. She will be more sore from the placement of the extenders under her muscles, which will be expanded over the course of 3 months to make room for her implants. Hopefully no skin will have to be grafted, and it will just be an implant procedure.

With that said, mom is doing awesome. She didn't even flinch when the doctor removed the bandages. She hasn't shed a tear that I've seen. She is all business. Her faith helps her. My faith in science and medicine help me. It has been a trying time for me on that level too. Again- not being a selfish bitch, but an honest one. My father said to me today that if I "still prayed, now is the time to do so". Well, one- I've never really prayed, because the last time I did- it was regarding just this thing... and that shit didn't work. And two, he forgets that guilt doesn't work on me. :) At all. Ever. To each their own, y'all. If prayer and faith work for you- awesome. Seriously- more power to you. However for me, logic works. And I find solace in the facts. If it comes back that my mother needs chemo- then she needs chemo. And we use the best clinic we can find for treatment. Simple math.

So I'm in Clinton/Knoxville and I'm off work all this week- through Sunday- to be here with her and help with her, Gracie, and whatever else I can. All the while trying to not bitch slap my father... sigh.

All of this has been pretty personal, and that's why I'm stating things in this format rather than flat out on Facebook. Those who read this will know, and those who don't won't. I didn't want to tell anyone, but I have informed my closest friends and figure now I might as well put it out in the open, as much as I can allow myself. If you want to pray for her, that's cool- and I'm sure she would appreciate it. I know everyone would send well wishes, so it's not why I'm blogging all this. I guess it's just because it's a form of therapy for me- not looking for sympathy, pity. or anything really. I just know there are those who would like to be in the loop. So there you have it.

If all that was too much for you to read, my mom's getting a boob job and cancer sucks. And I'll probably be needing froyo (yeah, I call it that) or coffee this week, so hit me up because I could probably use a few breaks from my father... because I for real might strangle him. Again... if you read this. :)